As I was pregnant with Taegan I was SOOO excited and really the thought of the pain of childbirth only entered my mind a few times. For the most part-I felt like it was just something I was gonna have to get through and be done with. Because of course Justin and I had decided that we wanted one little angel to spoil and love endlessly!!! We made it all the way through the pregnancy with no problems, a fast labor and delivery(4 hours) and then everything came crashing down! Our little girl was sick and sent straight to the NICU. WHAT??? This wasn't in the plan and I was at a loss. I couldn't see her because I was sick and this was about the opposite of what I had planned for my type A personality! Hours turned into days and she ended up with a full recovery and went home with us 7 days later. Not bad-and I know others have had much worse. It just wasn't what either of us had expected at all!
We adored Taegan with everything we had. We loved every second we had with her and we still do of course. The entire first year of her life she was all we wanted or needed. We couldn't get enough of her and how she was changing. And then one day Justin suggested maybe we have another....WHAT??? This wasn't in my plans either-we were going to have one and love her endlessly and be a perfect family of three. I mean that's what I grew up with and that is all I knew. I immediately shot that idea down and we moved on. Six months later he brought it up again...and I sat on it for a few days. I just wasn't sure it was what I was called to do. I didn't know if having two kids was really in my cards-so I needed time to wait it out. Turns out I wasn't so against the idea this time, but I was still very unsure. It wasn't the pain that was scaring me away this time-that epidural was perfect! I was very unsure of how to love two kids the way I loved Taegan. How was that possible??? I didn't share this with Justin because honestly I thought it was a terrible thought to have and I was the only one in the world who would think that.
We decided in late July to start trying-and by the grace of God we got pregnant again on the first try!!! Yes-this was supposed to happen. That was proof. Now was when I was faced with those feelings again. We found out right away with this one and I knew from the moment it happened really. So to say we are only halfway through seems like it has been longer. We were both so excited and couldn't wait to share with our families. We shared early because we were busting at the seams-neither set of parents thought we would have another and if so it would be after Taegan was in school! Everyone was happy and we started making plans for this second one to join us. About a week after telling people and getting over the initial excitement I came crashing down. All out crying fit-and Justin was dumbfounded! Part of the problem was that I really didn't know what feelings I was having, and the ones I was having were ones I thought no mom should ever have. I was so scared about adding another child to our family. So worried that this amazing time I have had with Taegan will be gone. How will I split my time between two and be the best I can be? How will I be able to give the second one the same amount of love, support, and nurture I did with Taegan? Why was I feeling so down and out about being blessed with another life? What was I going to do when they both needed me? Ugh-the pain and stress got to me and I just lost it. Justin actually expressed the same concerns once I opened up and I felt a bit better. But as the mom I was supposed to be able to handle it all-this is what we wanted after all! Justin said we would take it one step at a time and figure it out...and I had to put all my trust in that.
It took a while for me to get back right with everything. I was always blessed to be able to have this second one and will never take that for granted. We started having problems around 9 weeks and had an early ultrasound...we got to SEE the little baby! I was head over heals...and scared out of my mind still! Things looked okay and we picked out furniture, a new stroller, talked about names, and were starting to accept the intitial steps of adding a second child to our family. Justin wanted a boy and I wanted a girl. Deep inside I thought if I had a girl-I already knew what to do and it might be easier to love this one. Sounds awful I know-but at the time I was still trying to wrap my mind around it. Two days before we found out what we were having Justin changes his mind and wants a girl-we are having a BOY!!!! Our good Lord gave us another challenge-and one that we are SOOO happy about now. We also found out that I have a low-lying placenta and will need to be watched closely throughout this pregnancy. Another bump in the road. With all these turns we have come to a point in the road where we are over the moon that this little man is on his way. Yes, there are days when I have a twinge of sadness over not having another little princess to dress up and play with. Then I think about all the fun stuff we get to do with Laekan and how much fun they will have together. Taegan will always have a brother to watch over her-even though he is younger. What a blessing!
To say I'm not worried about the placenta issue is not realistic, but I have let it settle in the back of my mind. I know that I am doing everything I can to protect him and take care of him and the rest is up to God. I can't control what happens...I just have to deal with it. I can control how much love and support I give him-and that I will do!!! I will do my best to love him just like Taegan...I just hope I'm not the only mom that has felt this way:( I'm sorry that this was such a ramble and maybe it only makes sense to me-which is okay! I will want to look back on this time and remember how I felt even the unsure parts. I look forward to the rest of this pregnancy, I don't look forward to the gaining weight part but alas it will come as well. I look forward to sharing all the ups and downs that come along-and I hope you will be there with us as we go through them. If you made it all the way through this....I have a cute little picture for you-
Here is my not so little girl:(
1 comment:
Oh Angie - your feelings are completely normal and all too real to me! Briahna was 6 months old when I found out I was pregnant with Hailey. I can honestly tell you I had about every feeling in the book when I found out and during the months that followed. She is a true blessing now and by the Grace of God he gives you enough room in your heart to love two sweeties. You find time to squeeze them and love them....sure there are spats and times you feel pulled but God's Grace gets me through each day. Praying for you my friend! HUGS!
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