It has been a while since I have checked in on my weight loss. I should be honest here(and this is my blog so I can) and say that I fell off the diet about two weeks ago. I was sitting at 8.8 pounds lost!!! Then I hit a wall-a big wall. Let me backtrack some...I am a tad OCD and that has always been me growing up. I want things done and done right. I want things where they belong and I want things to be "perfect". This really hadn't caused me too much issue until I had kids. With Taegan I tried to do everything by the book and it really did work out well with her. I was only going to have one so I poured everything into her-and then we decided to try for a second.
I went through a TON of emotions when I found out I was pregnant and for the beginning of the pregnancy most of the emotions weren't good. I wasn't sure I really wanted another and I had no clue how I would love it like I loved Taegan. That went away about halfway through the pregnancy and then I got excited. I could do this-I wanted to do it! Laekan arrived and I was so upset with myself for having those thoughts early on-I was in love with this little guy. Things were going well for a while and then I started getting OCD again(I haven't ever actually been diagnosed with that). I wanted things around the house to be done well, my work I wanted to be done well, raising the kids and disciplining had to be "perfect", teaching Taegan and Laekan had to be done just the right way. I will say that with other things with Laekan we actually were pretty relaxed with for the most part. All of this stress and anxiety really started to build and build.
I thought the diet would help me focus on ME and relax some. I was very uptight with my weight and my lack of exercise. I knew I could do better and I was kicking some butt at the start. I could notice a difference in my appearance, others commented, and my clothes were starting to fit and even be big! Under all of that I was hiding the huge amount of stress and I couldn't keep going. I started sleeping every chance I could to not deal with everything. I couldn't focus on what it was that I actually needed to get done so I would just do mundane things around the house to feel productive. I was getting a shorter fuse with the kids and I really wasn't talking much to Justin. He knew things were getting bad and I finally faced the fact that I needed to go see my Dr. I went last Friday and am being treated for depression and anxiety. Admitting all of this isn't easy-but I want others that might be in my shoes to know that it is okay to get help. I have started some meds and I am four days into them. I wouldn't say the change is anything to write home about yet, but I am able to get some things done instead of wanting to go to sleep. I have actually been able to read a book(that I have had since Christmas) and not feel guilty that I should be doing other things. In fact I am almost done with it-just since Friday!!!
So-I am down 7 pounds and I started back on the diet again this morning! I can do this and I will do this. I will do it for me first, Justin, Taegan, and Laekan next. I want to be skinny(or skinnier then I am now) and much healthier. I am having some help with my other issues and now I need to focus on the rest of me. Here is to a fresh start!!!
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